Starting over again... sort of...

So, yes, in short, I am starting another pregnancy journey... but don't worry, it's not my baby.

I'll let you spend a minute figuring that out...

I have decided, with much careful consideration, to become a gestation surrogate. So, in a few weeks (hopefully) I will go through IVF and become pregnant with a baby that has none of my DNA, which I will carry and grow for a lovely Spanish couple who are unable to carry a child.

A lot of people disagree with my decision, but a few people I met through the surrogacy agency have been a huge help, and a new BFF of mine, A., has been fantastically supportive. I am so excited to give another family the joy that H. has brought to me and my family.

So, a whole new mommyhood adventure I'm embarking on, and I'm so excited to share it with you!

I don't think he really understood...

Well, in my defense it was shortly before 6am when we had the conversation... And he is not yet two...

I was listening to the news, and heard a story about a little boy who is not much older than H. who got out of the house, and drowned in the lake. And I don't know about you, but I feel like I hear stories like this too often.

Given how curious and independent and escape artist-like H. is, I worry about things like this. So, because it was 6am, and because he just looked so sweet and cooperative lying next to me in bed, I thought we would have a conversation.

So, I asked him not to ever go near water unless Momma was around, until he was much bigger... like, 20 or so.

His answer... "no wa-wa cup". Great.

Step up in the tech world..

So, here is a good test of my wits and abilities... Posting to my blog from my iPod. I have a handy blogging app, so we shall see how this goes...

So, it's been just under 2 months since my last post (I'm really good at keeping things regular)... Not much is new with the H-monster. He's still up to being a monster, albeit a very cute giggly one.

I'm still in school, and doing well, and between that and my new job, I spend much of my week away from home, but now can really look forward to the weekends with my monkey.

Other than that, there is little else to report on, but I will fill you in slowly on the few things that have happened in the last 8 weeks.

And hey, if this blog app is as easy as it seems, I won't need to go this long between posts!

When did you become a mommy?

I just read a great thread on facebook that a page I'm following posted as a contest. It was all about when you became a mommy (or daddy, I suppose). Most people said the expected; "When I got my positive pregnancy test", "WHen I first felt baby kick", "When I first held my baby"... but there were a few interesting ones; "When the fertility clinic called to give us our transfer time", "When I grew up saying I can't wait to be a mommy", or, my favourite "When we were rear-ended and all I could think of was checking on my baby in the back seat".

For me, I think the moment I first thought "I'm a mommy now" was when I learned I had to protect myself because it wasn't all about me anymore.

I haven't gone into a lot of detail about some things that were happening when I was pregnant. But, the short version (and I might go into more detail eventually) is that I was in an abusive relationship. My son's father is very paranoid, and he was sure I was cheating on him, and every late call or funny noise in the background was just fueling this fire. After I got pregnant, things got worse, and one day I remember laying on the floor and apologizing to my baby that I had just found out about, and promising that I would be strong for both of us and make sure things were different when he (or she) was born.

When I first realized that all of a sudden it was about protecting the baby instead of just trying to protect myself. Not only did I grow a baby in those nine months, I also grew courage and a backbone.

That's when I knew I was a mommy.

Mother's Day

My second as a mommy, to be specific.

It was alright. Nothing specifically fantastic happened, it was just nice. Until about 6pm, H. was great... and then fell into Tantrum Man.

My sister and brother and I made supper for my mom... shish kebobs, garlic bread, and salad for supper, and I made boston cream pie for dessert.

Not overly exciting, but not all together bad.

Premature Terrible Twos....

The terrible twos have hit early in this house!! Yay!

Not!

Everything is no! Everything. And throwing, and tantrums, and power struggles... ever tried to stuff a limp toddler into a sleeper because he refuses to help you get him ready for bed? Until tonight, my answer was a no!

It's horrible. If you ask him if he wants something, and he says yes, he usually decides once he has it in his hands ah, nope, don't want this anymore... must get it as far away from me as possible, as fast as possible. Yeas, fantastic. "H., do you want your cup?" "Yeah. (hands it to him)...no, no" (as he throws it on the floor).

I am one frustrated mommy.

An illuminating look at my faults as a mommy...

I am not Supermom. I wouldn't even say I am a great mom... I'm me, and I'm doing things my way. The one thing I am most proud of is the fact that I am surviving, and how happy my little boy is. That's all that matters to me, and that is why I am ok writing this.

I have many faults. Like, a lot. Not even mommy faults, but human faults. Which is pretty common, I hear, but I think admitting it is part of helping make it better... So, here it goes!

I co-sleep: It started when he was born, and has pretty much been happening all the time since then. I know I joke a lot, but I am completely serious about this. There was a span of about 6 months where he slept in his crib... the rest of the time he is in my bed. I admit, he starts in his crib (99% of nights), and some nights he doesn't end up in my bed, but about 90% of the time, he is in my bed when I wake up.

I don't spend a lot of time with him: I admit, part of it is just plain busy-ness, trying to make a batter life for us... but part of it is also trying to get out without him. Horrible, I know, but I am not a stay-at-home kind of person. And I do need some adult conversation that is not about kids sometimes.

I am not overly comforting: I am not. At all. It's probably not even on the top 100 words to describe me. Why I thought I could be a good mommy without being comforting is beyond me, but I did... and I was wrong. When H. cries (which is not very often, I'll admit) I often find myself saying "Bear, you're fine". Which is awful, but it's true... he is usually fine.

I get frustrated: A word commonly used to describe me is impatient. Very impatient. That being said, when H. wants to walk everywhere, even though I am probably already late, and I know he will want to talk to the kitty in the park, and stick his feet in the snowbank every 2 feet, I will let him. But when I am trying to do something and he gets cranky or clingy, I get very short with him.

I eat crappy, and let H. eat crappy too: We are not overly healthy people. I (and now we) love to snack, and not in a healthy way. I (and now we) love chips and crackers and crunchy salty things. And fast food. Ooops.

I talk about my kid... a lot: Which I know is not a particularly bad thing, but I'm sure it must annoy people.


All that being said, I think I am doing an amazing job as a single, working, teenage mom who is also a full-time student. I know that people look at H. and say how funny and happy he is, how independent and smart, but I know I could be a better mommy for him... and I'm trying.