An illuminating look at my faults as a mommy...

I am not Supermom. I wouldn't even say I am a great mom... I'm me, and I'm doing things my way. The one thing I am most proud of is the fact that I am surviving, and how happy my little boy is. That's all that matters to me, and that is why I am ok writing this.

I have many faults. Like, a lot. Not even mommy faults, but human faults. Which is pretty common, I hear, but I think admitting it is part of helping make it better... So, here it goes!

I co-sleep: It started when he was born, and has pretty much been happening all the time since then. I know I joke a lot, but I am completely serious about this. There was a span of about 6 months where he slept in his crib... the rest of the time he is in my bed. I admit, he starts in his crib (99% of nights), and some nights he doesn't end up in my bed, but about 90% of the time, he is in my bed when I wake up.

I don't spend a lot of time with him: I admit, part of it is just plain busy-ness, trying to make a batter life for us... but part of it is also trying to get out without him. Horrible, I know, but I am not a stay-at-home kind of person. And I do need some adult conversation that is not about kids sometimes.

I am not overly comforting: I am not. At all. It's probably not even on the top 100 words to describe me. Why I thought I could be a good mommy without being comforting is beyond me, but I did... and I was wrong. When H. cries (which is not very often, I'll admit) I often find myself saying "Bear, you're fine". Which is awful, but it's true... he is usually fine.

I get frustrated: A word commonly used to describe me is impatient. Very impatient. That being said, when H. wants to walk everywhere, even though I am probably already late, and I know he will want to talk to the kitty in the park, and stick his feet in the snowbank every 2 feet, I will let him. But when I am trying to do something and he gets cranky or clingy, I get very short with him.

I eat crappy, and let H. eat crappy too: We are not overly healthy people. I (and now we) love to snack, and not in a healthy way. I (and now we) love chips and crackers and crunchy salty things. And fast food. Ooops.

I talk about my kid... a lot: Which I know is not a particularly bad thing, but I'm sure it must annoy people.


All that being said, I think I am doing an amazing job as a single, working, teenage mom who is also a full-time student. I know that people look at H. and say how funny and happy he is, how independent and smart, but I know I could be a better mommy for him... and I'm trying.

Just off..

Well, it's Easter. Which I love, because it's a holiday. And I got to see my whole family (with 3 siblings, partners and 2 kids, it doesn't happen that we're all together very often) and had a blast. I had some great snuggles and fun with my Bear today... but something isn't right. I just feel sad and angry and tired. Maybe I am just tired.

I just want winter to be over soon.

Talkin' Toddlers

H. is a toddler. Which is sad. But he talks. Which is hilarious! He knows a lot of words, so he can answer questions, which is great when he really wants something. So, if you ask a question, he will answer "yeah" or "no-no" (always 2 nos. Always). But he also says some words (not very many, but enough). As is common with his age (16 months) he vastly generalizes things. Like food. It's either "cacas" (crackers), for toast and chips and cookies and bread... or "appa" (apples), for anything fruit related. Whenever we go anywhere, he points out cars ("a cah"). And anything bigger than a car is a bus ("a bah"). Trucks, trains, SUV's... all busses. Also, any brown animal is a cow. Anything. Horses, giraffes, a dog. Complete with moos and everything. He loves animals, and knows what most animals say (cows go "moo", sheep "baa", kitties say "oww", monkeys say "oo-oo"), and can for the most part point them out. I love that he is growing up, and becoming a cute little person. And I love that he picks up on things. I love that the word snuggle ("nuggo") is in his vocabulary, and I love that he uses it all the time. I just love that cute little boy more and more every day.

Reflections in Mommyhood

I just watched an amazing video called Reflections in Motherhood (here), and it really got me thinking, if I could go back 2 years, to right before I had H., what would I tell myself? Well, I have been thinking, and I think these are a few things every mommy, new or seasoned, needs to remember:

• it's ok to need a break. It means you're not superwoman, and know where your line is.


• It's ok to want to leave Baby at home... and to be ok leaving Baby at home


• But it's also ok to be a mess the first time you leave Baby at home.


• Sometimes you'll cry, and sometimes you'll scream, and sometimes you'll stand in the shower and let Baby cry or scream in their crib. You're not made of steel.


• Once and a while, you will have a moment that seems benign and ordinary, but the beauty of it will knock you off your feet.


• It's alright to want to sleep through a feeding. Better if you don't, but know that all mommys want to at some point.


• Your child will always be the smartest, and before their first birthday you will already have speculated a dozen times about their future career.


• It's ok to meet new mommys and vent about being a new mommy. It's also ok to nicely compare your babies with each others.


• Sometimes you will let Baby cry. As much as you read otherwise, letting them do so will not make them an ax-murderer in adulthood.


• Everyone has an opinion. Everyone also has opinions on everyone elses opinion. Do what works for you, and what works for Baby, and everything will be fine.


• It's ok to be scared. It's a scary thing, being put in charge of this tiny little person, knowing you get to teach them about the world, and everything in it.


• Embrace the silliness. You will sit on the floor and make the silliest noises, and let your toddler crawl all over you, because you know it makes them laugh, and even after years together, their laughter is still the best sound in the world.

Every baby is different, and every mommy is different. Do what works for you, and know that there are a million women going through the same thing at any given time.

And best of all, enjoy that amazing little person God created just for you!

Sick little Bear :(

H. is sick. Incredibly so. It is so hard to watch him and know he is not himself, and probably pretty uncomfortable, and know I can't do anything to make him feel better.

For the last month or so, he has just been off. I ended up taking him to a walk-in clinic, where the doctor told me he had an ear infection. Ok, so Amoxilin, and a week later he was fine. We went for his 12 month immunizations (at 15 months, because I'm really good), and the doctor gave an all clear, and said his ears were good.

About a week later, the grumpy H. was back. But worse. He had a fever constantly for just over 2 days when we went back to the doctors' to see what was up. The nurse that saw him was not very friendly, to start things off, and H. had been there a little over a week before to get shots (which I'm sure he must have remembered). All this chalking up to a very uncooperative H.

He wouldn't let them take his temperature (she tried to tell me he didn't have a fever... to which I replied "touch him, feel how hot he is, and try and tell me he doesn't have a fever?"), he screamed when she tried to listen to his breathing, and tried to bite the tongue depressor when she tried to look in his throat. She then spent about 10 seconds looking in his ears, and decided both of them looked "a little pink", and were therefore just infected.

But that didn't seem right to me, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt. I mean, it's not like he had an ear infection less than 2 weeks before, right?

So, we tried the Amoxilin again, and it worked... for about 6 days of the 10 day prescription.

As of right now, for the past week, H. had been up almost the entire night with a horrible fever (he managed to let me check it a few times, and it was usually around 101.5). So, neither of us are sleeping, he is hot and uncomfortable at night, but completely fine during the day, and I feel like I am about to lose my mind.

Well, I can't take it anymore. We had a follow-up appointment for his ears tomorrow, but I called this morning to see if we could move it up to today, which, thankfully, they could. So, hopefully in a few hours we'll have a real diagnoses, and I can get my sweet little Bear back.

Hoping for the best!

Scrapbooking woes...

Ok, so here's the deal. I am not creative. At all. Anyone who knows me at all will tell you that... but the thing is, I really want to be good at artsy stuff!

Hence the scrapbook I started when H. was, oh, about 3 weeks old.

I have 4 pages. And not even good pages.

They are plain. Which I guess could be said captures the essence of me, sort of. I really wish I could do more. I wish I could do better.

But it makes a good story, I think.

Oh, the Wiggles

H. loves them. I am starting to love them. I have my favourite Wiggle, and my favourite song.

And then I decided that is terribly sad, and we needed some new movies.

And now we get to be regaled with Thomas the Tank Engine, Sesame Street, and Mighty Machines.

I can't wait until I can watch Disney Pixel movies with him!