What would be easier...

I'm a single mom. But on top of that, I am also a full time student, and a 25 hour a week employee. It's hard, but I am managing.

Which would be fine, except for one thing. The Father. H.'s, that is.

Up until now, I am pretty sure I have not mentioned him. Actually, about 99% sure.

He's not part of the picture... well, he's kind of one of those weird orb things that lurks in the background of the picture. It was all a mistake. The relationship was not a healthy one for either of us, and even being pregnant and 19, I knew I needed him out of my life.

But he's back, and non of us are happy about it.

Which leads me to wonder... would it be easier without him, even if it meant H. grew up without a father? Even if it meant I have to teach him to throw a ball? (Which anyone who knows me will say is a BAD idea!)

I'm wondering... I'm already at the breaking down at work stage, at the losing sleep and eating junk food phase. Do I need ANOTHER worry on my plate?

I don't think so. I'm a good juggler, but The Father demands the utmost attention. Attention I can't give.

Everyone says single parenting is hard, but no one tells you that deciding who should be a part of your child's life is excruciating.

Someone's going to get hurt, and I really can't let that person be H.

I. Hate. Judgement.

Period. That's all. I hate it.

I get a daily parenting tip that come straight to my email, which are sometimes helpful, sometimes laughable, and like today, downright insensitive.

"What you child learns from your marriage".

Is it just me, or does that seem a little biased? Not every good parent is married, and not every marriage is a shining example to kids.

Did it touch on either of those points? No.

As a proudly single mother, I know that marriage is the social norm for raising kids... or it used to be. Things are shifting. Most people notice. At my work (a natural parenting boutique), all the employees say "partner" not "husband", since almost half of us are single or just dating.

Needless to say, I was not impressed with that "parenting tip". There were ways to make a good article on that point, and I must say, they failed miserably.

Well, what's one more judgement coming my way?

Happy Birthday!

Who is celebrating a birthday, you're probably wondering?

Well, WE ARE! My blog is one year and 9 days old. Seems like so long ago, and with any birthday of any kind, I always reminisce about the past year.

Lots has happened!

For one, H. went from a little boy who loved to throw up and sleep on me, to a little toddler who loves to sleep in my bed.

He has changed so much, but I also feel like everything in my life has changed. For the good, of course!

So, thank you all for a wonderful year, and I hope there are many more to go!

New Year, new mommyhood adventures...

Well, 2010 is gone, 2011 is here. That means remembering to write 2011, feeling old, and making resolutions.

This year I am thinking a lot about what I want to accomplish in the next year... a lot more thinking than usual.

First and foremost, I want to be the best mom I can be. It's hard. H. starts daycare in 2 weeks, I am into my second week of college, and I'm still working about 15 hours a week. It's going to be busy, and challenging, and I won't get to see him a whole lot, but I have a plan.

1. No more chores while he's awake. They can wait, and he needs me more than the dishes and laundy need me.
2. When he's awake and I'm at home, I'm going to play with him. Really play. Right on the floor, both of us laughing so hard we fall over playing.
3. We are going to eat better. I am the first to admit that I have deplorable eating habits. I do like veggies, a lot, but my love of carbs is more intense. My goal is to eat veggies or fruit every day, and cut down on carbs to fall within the Canada Food Guide maximum (which for me is 5-8 servings). And because my eating habits are so bad, H. is becoming bad too. There is time to change him though!
4. I plan on walking to work or home from work, at least twice a week. Doesn't quite count as a better mommy goal, but anything that makes me a happier healthier person makes me a better mommy.
5. And again with the better mommy= healthier thing... lose at least 30lbs by my graduation in December. 11 months, and a plan, and I think I can do it!

I also plan on being nicer to the people in my life... my siblings/housemates, my mom, and my parents. I have not been the nicest to them over the last few months, and that's got to change. All the tension and fighting is not good for H. or anyone else.

And lastly, a budget. Since I'll be working only a little, and having a few extra expenses with school and the little mans daycare, I need to work out a budget. Having finally applied for most all of the government tax rebates I can, I have a little extra money come in, but I need to cut my extraneous purchases, and my junk food costs, and save as much as possible. So, I am going to write my budget, stick to it, and continue saving with my savings account. And I plan on sale shopping and using coupons for big purchases (like groceries).

And that is my plan for 2011. I tend to not follow plans or try to reach goals, but this one feels doable!

I'm pumped for 2011... bring it on!

NOW I really just wanna sleep!

So, about a month back I wrote that I wanted to sleep, a lot... well, that's nothing compared to how I feel now!

H. has been teething something awful (1 tooth cut, looks like at least 3 more coming in). And he's been a super grump. Clingy and whiny and trying to be independent, but really just wanting snuggles. Don't get me wrong, I love my little boy to pieces, but it's so hard to keep my sanity!

For a few days around his birthday (oh yeah, he turned 1 a week ago) he refused to nap, including the day of his party. He did alright, but come 5 o'clock he was just done.

Speaking of the party, it went very well. H. was a fantastic little farmer boy (we had a farm theme), wearing the cutest little overalls and plaid shirt. He ate his cake (i.e.: got it everywhere) and played with all the boxes and bags his toys came in. He got cuddles from everyone, and ate lots of party food. All around, a great time for everyone!

But back to not sleeping. Recap: teething, bad naps. And to top it off, he's not eating so well, assuming on my part because of his teeth bugging him.

And then there's nighttime. He typically used to wake up once, soothe himself, and get right back to sleep. Now, wakes up at least twice, sometimes as much as 6 times, and can't get himslef back to sleep.

I tried everything. And nothing worked. In lieu of a solution, we started co-sleeping again. And it was o at first, but a lot of people had some very strong opinions about it (mainly that it was bad news and super hard to break them of)... which it has been. It was alright, but then he was getting too comfy. So last night I tried to let him cry it out (i know he's fine and doesn't need anything)... which was a resounding failure. He cried for an hour! And then he screamed. And then I got him and he fell right asleep.

So now I'm wondering, is co-sleeping that bad? He likes it, and I enjoy it... Phil is not a huge fan, but frankly, crying for hours is waaaay more annoying than a kicky baby in bed with us.

I'm going to keep co-sleeping... if only because I'm way too tired to fight him. Here's to hoping he outgrows it one day, all on his own!

It's that time again!

TEETHING!!! Yay.

Ok, a little sarcasm. Like, bucketfuls.

H. is teething. No new ones have cut yet. But he has been a grumpasaurus rex. A grump of titanic perportions. A big grump.

He has been super whiny and clingy. And not a huge eater... well, he never really is, but he eats even less than he normally does.

He's been sleeping alright. Not quite as long as usual, and not going down nearly as nice, but still a good 11 hours a night. And he's been napping more during the day. For a while he had maybe an hour, now he's up to 2-3.

But he's super fun still. He understands games, like chasing people and being chased, and he figured out how to turn himself around at the top of the stairs and come back down, so I don't feel so anxious about letting him climb them to begin with.

One thing I am anxious about... his party. Coming up in 7 days. A full week. Scary. The invitations were sent out, and I've heard that some people have gotten them, which is good. One thing to cross off my Worry List. Still a few things on there, but I'll manage.

And that's all for now. I'm sure I could think of more, but I need to go to bed.

Starty Fritters

In my mind, I like to think I'm funny. I also like to invent nonsense compound words. As I was trying to think about what to write, I invented starty fritters... which, if you hadn't figured it out, is stage fright and party jitters all rolled together... which is exactly what I'm facing at this exact moment.

H. turns 1 (1!!!!) in 2 weeks. Which is really close. Almost too close. And I have yet to finish planning his party, or send out the invitations, or even vaguely think about. I'm a procrastinator, though and through!

Well, the invitations are addressed and ready to be stamped and mailed, my best friend who was gainfully employed at a party store helped with the decorations, and I'm now onto thinking about the actual party.

And I'm not liking it.

I'm not a huge fan of parties, in general... unless it's the kind I just get to show up to. Those are alright... but when I have to plan them myself (organization and prioritizing and all that fun stuff not being on my list of strenths), I get a little nervous... and by a little I mean a boatload. And not one of those dingy rowboats, I'm talking garbage barges full of worry.

So, starty fritters. I'm worried that no one will show up, which is common, I hear... especially when the invitations are due to arrive about 10 days pre-party. And I'm worried that no one will have fun. And that I'll forgot some integral part of the whole H.-apalooza. Or that the birthday boy won't have fun. Or a bunch of other things.

So, starty fritters. Not so fun... but knowing my luck, I'll work myself into a starty fritters induced tizzy, and everything will go off without a hitch. H. and I will have fun with the people that will show up. Everyone will love the food and I will be the Martha Stewart (minus the jail stripes) of parties, and all my worrying will be for naught.

Let's hope for that...